and he learns how to breathe
by hinoiri lwin
Summary: it's like he was fucking drowning and no one came to help him breathe. (post-shinjuku) —yuunoa—


**_and he_** _learns_ **how to** **breathe** | _like_ _she_ _does._

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 **warnings:**

 **P** latonic or romantic _yuunoa_ —it doesn't matter I guess, because it can be read both ways anyway. Kinda screamed angst, but not entirely. This moment set after the whole save-guren-and-fucking-gulped-pills-to-turn-into-a-death-angel fiasco. The recent arc though, the one he gulped down two freaking pills and coughed up bloods.

 **I** don't know if he's going berserk again or not but if we learned anything from the earlier chapters, I'm pretty sure that he's going to wipe the floor clean with his berserker mode. Or try to kill anyone again, who knows. This fic can be viewed as a future chapter, because I can't stand the "oh-okay-I-tried-to-kill-her-no-biggie" attitude after he _almost_ kill her for good in chapter 13 or so.

 **I** really, _really_ , thought I'm not going to see that bae again. Damn you, Yuuichiro.

 **T** his is my first fic in this fandom, it's a pity there's only a few of them though (I hope they'll increased over time). But it's understandable because the anime is new after all. English is not my mother tongue so please forgive me if there any errors and such. Anyway, enjoy reading :D

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It was dark, black upon her eyes, and also cold (very, very cold)—that she literally could feel the frost crawling up her arms as she puffed out smokes from her trembling lips. A lone lampin the corner kept on flickering—once, then twice, before it shone dimly over the spacious room. Shinoa ignored her state of dress, or lacks of—which consisted only a pair of shorts and blue painted sweater—and proceed to sit on the freezing metal chair beside the bed.

The bed in which Yuuichiro Hyakuya limp form lied.

The smell of antiseptic pricked her nostrils, and Shinoa had to fight the urge to vomit because honestly, hospitals just made her sick. She admitted that the temptation to get the hell out from this room was appealing, but she kept on her place (beside his still form, gripping his hand like it's a lifeline) sitting quietly without moving an inch.

Watching him, sound asleep.

"Ne, Yuu-san." she paused for a moment, trying to catch her breath. "Why are you like this?" she asked into thin air, didn't dare to look down into the sleeping boy. "What have I done that you always ignore my warning? I'd given you plenty of reasons, a lot of possibilities, but still—you swept them away like they were nothing."

Then came deafening silence—for the boy she was speaking with had not awaken yet. Even she knew this fact, but still she stayed.

Moonlight glared above her head in such an arrogant manner, and she dreamed of paradise.

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Maybe it was an hour, or maybe two, or even _hours_ —Shinoa didn't know, and frankly, she didn't care. She could not feel anything but the cold surface of metal upon her skin. She cared less if she was freezing over time with her ungodly clothes. She cared less if it was one in the morning and she was actually under bed arrest.

It's been a long time since she cared about the world.

But this person beside her, he changed her. He taught her how to fight and care. He taught her about bonds and family. He taught her to believe and to trust. He taught her life. And perhaps, to say that she regretted it was not actually wrong.

"I should have known from the beginning." she paused for a bit, "It's not like you're at fault. You're too strong, too proud for your own good. Sometimes I think it's a good thing, because it keeps you alive, keeps you breathing, even just for a moment. But you have to admit that you're pretty useless in listening to others, aren't you?" she laughed then, because it was so funny—a sick kind of funny for it was the reason of why he's still hadn't opened his eyes. The reason of _why_ he'd almost _died_ in the first place.

Her laughs reduced into a mere whisper, and Shinoa brought her eyes up from their joining hands to stare at the slumbering (he's in coma, _coma_ —her mind whispered) boy. Then she noticed the little things.

Like how the boring white sheets contrasted badly with his ebony locks which spread around his head like a halo. How pale he looked that he almost resembles that of a decaying corpse. How blood kept on leaking from his bandaged wound and painted the color red. How he breathed so easily, so calm, like everything was going to be alright when in fact—nothing was fine in this twisted world they're living in.

"I'm sorry." she said then, because there's _nothing_ to say that can make everything better.

 _(we are broken, so, so broken)_

"W-what.. are you—a-apologizing… f-for—"

 _(but then, in a twisted world like this, who isn't?)_

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Shinoa opened her eyes widely, didn't quite believed her ears. But there he was, lying on that pathetic looking hospital bed, eyes half lidded and hands roaming around. She was trying to convince herself that _no_ , it's not a dream. And _yes_ , it's real—very much so. Maybe it's just a mere whisper, carried by the wind, but she heard it nonetheless.

"You're... awake." she said it firmly, if not a bit uncertain—because it's not a question, but a statement. Shinoa didn't dare to avert her eyes for she was afraid that everything would disappear once she look away—that he would disappear if she tore her gaze from his form. She was afraid that he would stay unconscious for a long, long time. But a pair of viridian orbs captured hers—and she convinced herself that he's not going to sleep again anytime soon.

"Yeah…" she heard him groaned, trying to clear his hoarse voice, "Just… how long I have been sleeping?" he asked her, still lying on his back. "I feel like shit."

There was silence, because she didn't trust her voice to talk without crying or getting angry in the process. But he didn't realize it, as he was busy squirming around, trying to get his body up into a sitting position. Even though she hesitated at the beginning, she finally gave in and help the poor boy to rest his back up into the wall.

"You have been sleeping for two weeks—"

"TWO WEEKS?! ARE YOU KID—"

Shinoa chopped him on the head, albeit not too strong, just a little push of hand. "You should keep your voice down, it's one in the morning you know. If you keep this up you will wake the whole buildings."

"Sorry." he apologized quickly, toning his voice down. "I'm just surprised."

"You bet." Shinoa sighed, "It's a wonder you're still alive after all of that… " she trailed off for a moment, as if she was recalling something before snapped out from her daze. "Oh well, it doesn't matter. I have to inform the others. Yuu-san, you should rest for the time being."

"What?" Yuichiro shot her a confused gaze. "What are you—wait a second!" he shouted quite loudly when he saw her leaving the room. "Tell me what happened before you go, seriously!" he grumbled impatiently.

Shinoa stopped walking and fix him a bittersweet smile. "You're hurt, almost in a brink of death, I'd say. Colonel Guren's safe, if not quite banged up. The vampire fled. We're safe. That's all."

 _The hell_ , he thought, just what kind of half-assed answer was that? Yuichiro furrowed his eyebrows, he knew that it's a shortened version of the story and well, to be frank, he's also a little (a lot) concerned with the smile his ever-playful companion wore.

"Don't give me that crap. Tell me the whole story." he demanded before trying to walk but failed miserably for his body had not recovered fully. Pain suddenly shot up through his body and he fell into the cold floor, groaning all the way.

Shinoa could only shook her head when she heard his groans and curses. "You really, _really_ should have done as what you're told." she complained as she helped him up to his bed, "I can't believe this, why I have to deal with a stubborn head like you?" she said dramatically.

"S-shinoa." he gave her a look, still groaning from earlier damage he took. "T-Tell me."

"Well—"

"And don't give me another half-assed answer again, okay?" he cut her over before she managed to create another ridiculous answer for him to hear.

"Fine." she pouted cutely, feeling a bit scandalized. "You're no fun, Yuu-san."

"Just get on with the story."

" _Mou~ y_ ou really have to learn how to speak to lady." she complained a little before sitting on the chair again. "Anyway, where you want me to start?"

Silence.

 _Wrong question_ , she thought. It's feels like that one sentence had brought their consciousness away. Yuichiro; because he didn't remember a thing. And Shinoa; because she can remember _everything_.

If he was to be honest, Yuichiro couldn't recall any kind of memories after he gulped down those damned pills. "Anywhere is fine, I guess." he shrugged his shoulders. But his companion didn't seem like she heard him—Yuichiro didn't even sure that she even acknowledge his answer. "Hey, Shinoa?" he reached out his hand to shake her still form, but then it happened.

She _flinched_ away from _him_.

The air around him began to grow heavy, and he couldn't ignore the way Shinoa trembled when she realized what she had done. Just what happened this time? He could not remember a thing, but whatever had happened, it couldn't be good because his friend— _his family_ is fucking afraid of him. What had he done to deserve this kind of treatment? It's unheard of, unless—

 _No_.

No it can't fucking be—

 _(please don't be true—god no, anything but that.)_

It's like he was being hit by a ton of stones; like he was burning on a stake; like he was fucking drowning and no one came to help him breathe. The truth's hurts, heavy on his mind as he recalled the first time she told him about the damned thing he had done and he wants to vomit so badly, to crawl all over the floor because it's sick. _He's sick._

"I—" he paused. "I—I tried… to kill you a-again—" he chocked on his own word. "I'd messed up. I'm—I'm—"

" _Yuu-san—_ "

"Don't." he spat at her, "Don't tell me that it's alright." his grip on the blankets tightened, "Because it's not. Because it's… _not._ "

Shinoa held her tongue—too afraid to console him; too afraid to touch him; too afraid to hurt him. She watched as the boy stared blankly at his hands; blaming himself; hating himself. He looked like he was going to crumble from a single touch.

 _So fragile_ , she thought, _so easy to break_.

Even then, Yuichiro didn't move from his position. He could not face her, because honestly, he felt like a monster—a monster that tried to kill her. He tried to kill her _again_. A second time, after that one in Shinjuku. He could feel the heat that began to burn his eyes, and Yuichiro tried with all his might to hold back the tears at bay because he didn't deserve the privilege to cry. He couldn't believe that he _dare_ to bring his hand upon her. His important person.

 _(no, not again. not her. please—please—I'm)_

"Yuu-san, look at me." oh how she begged, but the boy still ignored her—lost in his own hysteria, "Yuu-san—Yuu-san! Please, listen to me." this time she didn't afraid to touch him as she held his hand upon hers tightly, but the boy was still talking nonsense, stuck in between crying and laughing and she couldn't—she _couldn't_ watch this anymore.

 _(no, he can't break. it's not supposed to be like this. he needs to—)_

"LISTEN TO ME!" she screamed at the top of her lungs—voice so clear and strong that it snappe him out from his daze to look at her in fear.

"It's not you." she began, "The one who… who tried to attack—" she refused to use the word _kill_ , "—me was not you!" Shinoa breathed out mist but she didn't care, he needed to understand, "You can't blame yourself because I know that it's not—it's not… it's not your fault."

Then, after a whole minute of painful silence, Yuichiro allowed himself to look up into her blazing eyes and saw his face reflected on its beautiful brown. His ugly, ugly face. It's seemed like the tears had already marred his ashen face, and truthfully, he looked like a wreck. He could saw it so clearly, crystal clear, all the sadness, all the pain, and the hurt. He saw grief, he saw sorrow, but most of all (the one that he felt so grateful about) he saw forgiveness and acceptance envisaged inside those eyes.

 _(after all this chaos, we've lost what it means to be whole.)_

"I'm sorry." he said then, but the girl beside him only gripped his hands tightly. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry." he chanted with a broken voice—eyes downcast, lips forming a bitter smile, "Forgive me?" he asked.

And then she smiled, that smile of hers, and he began to feel again.

 _(we are broken, so, so broken)_

"You know that I already do."

A smile. A clench of hands. Two people basked in the dark under the dim, yellow-colored moonlight, doing nothing but staring into each other eyes. He smiled (such a bitter, bitter smile but at the same time so beautiful) at her and finally he found his peace.

"I know. And Shinoa?"

"Yes?"

"Thank you."

 _(but then, in a twisted world like this, who isn't?)_

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"You're welcome."

A smile.

 _(both of them are broken, beyond repair,_

 _but he learns to breathe the pain—like she does.)_

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 **Author's note:**

YUUNOA KINDA TIRES ME OUT. Like, I wasn't supposed to support them together, but I did. And—and it feels like it was forbidden but in the end I succumbed into the temptation and embraced them to be one of my OTPs.

….I shouldn't have up for three days straight, shouldn't I? Oh well, I don't care, they're cute anyway. XD

I don't know where to put this reply 'cause I obviously can't contact yours so I just post it here.

Well, PhoebeKate-san, thank you very much for you review! It's been a long time since I wrote a story, and honestly, I kind of, straying from my safety line because usually I only write Kagerou's fics. I guess it's because of there's a-little-to-nothing stories in this fandom or perhaps I just love Yuunoa too much. :D

Ah, thank you very much! I tried to make them as un-ooc as possible but there's angst, and angst always messed up my thoughts. I'm glad if you found them in character, and yeah, I'm pretty much the same. It's not like I can't watch yaoi (a pretty disturbing for me, but as long it's only hugs and a few of innocent kisses, then I guess it's alright) but I just liked Shinoa since the first time I saw her in ONS comic and her chemistry with Yuichiro made me loves them together. I guess it makes us pretty much in a same fanclub, right? XD

Yep, I have. One of the reasons of why I wrote this story after all, and another one apparently, because I can't resist the temptation. And I'm glad you found it too, let's spread the love for yuunoa!

Whaaa~ thank you very much! I'm still learning, and I hope I will improved over time! Thank you very much, it makes me happy that there are people who likes my story like you do. Hee~ it's true, it's true. I guess I can edited it a bit, maybe some other times cause I had already used my last ounce of imagination to write the second story after all.

I love you too~ and I'm a girl Kate-san, oh well, at least part of me is. The rest it totally manly *thumbs up*

And for another fic, it's already done :D Just check it out, I hoped it won't be too much of ooc's for you. (Because I kinda made Yuuichiro as an responsible, calm guy, and for once Shinoa can be more serious than she usually is.)


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